Weightlifting

The stretches between wake-up and get-up are very difficult again. In the evenings, I feel free, relaxed and content. In the mornings, I feel trapped, scared and desperate. And the psyche in one place can't talk to the psyche in the other place. Evening psyche can't jump ahead and reassure. Morning psyche can't reach back and remember.

The fact that so much can change over a day, every day, suggests that circumstance alone isn't to blame. There are neurochemical imbalances that need to be balanced. There are deeply furrowed associative paths that need to be filled in and rerouted. I'm trying: talk, running, meditation, St. John's Wort. But I need to try more.

J suggests I force myself to get up when I wake up. Body over mind. She's right. I just need to build up the strength to bat away the hand that presses at my chest.